The Sorrows of Life

Why we feel life sucks, and how to escape from it.

"Sorrow comes to all… Perfect reality is not possible, except with time. You cannot now realize that you will ever feel better and yet you are sure to be happy again." ~ Abraham Lincoln

Sorrow. A word familiar to all, yet unwilling to be faced by many. Many of us find sorrow on a daily basis, but we still feel reluctance to deal with it. We don't choose to have sufferings in life. We just get them. And we often ask the question, "Why?" "Why us?" I don't really have an answer to that, for if I did, I would have solved the miseries of the world already.

What I attempt to do here is give an alternate viewpoint of sorrow, and tell you how to deal with it. Grief is just another form of distress. It is an emotion that focuses mostly on losses that are largely outside of our control. We are hostage to fortune. Every single time it emerges as a result of unmet expectations and perceived losses. It is often said by ancient philosophers as to why sorrow is a perception and is easy to deal with if you do not let it get to your psyche.

I wish things were as easy as that. Humans aren't often strong when it comes to their emotions. Grief sucks. Hard. It is often an absolute pain to deal with it. Which is why you should. In the end, we cannot abolish our emotions, only change how we deal with it. The ancient stoics had an interesting take on it. The core idea is to not be overtaken by our emotions and ruled by them. It is about experiencing those emotions, finding peace and living on. Life constantly changes. It is the most fundamental law of the universe.

We feel grief on every step of our lives. We did not get that job, that promotion, our preferred college, our grades are not up to expectations, our lover died. We find it to be destroying us from within, gnawing us from inside. All of it stem from unmet expectations. Unending desires. We hope for the best, but are rarely prepared for situations when things go south. We feel that if things would've gone our way, things would've been better for once.

But I ask you, who are we to anticipate the future? Happiness lies in understanding what we can and cannot influence. Often times, things won't go according to our plan. "But what if they did?" You may ask that question. And honestly, I don't have an answer. Nobody does. Else we would have simply bruteforced the possiblilities well ahead of time.

The only reason we feel grief is because we find joy. If life would have been monotonous we'd have no interest in living it. If it was the same all around, what even would have been there to live for if we got whatever we wanted?

Loss is nothing but change, and change is nature's delight. ~ Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

The truth is, humans like having control over their life. They dislike unexpected scenarios, and only like to stick to what they feel would have been the best for them. But the again, do we have control over the flow of time? Do we control what happens to us? There are variables in our control, and there are variables that are not.

Happiness and freedom begin with a clear understanding of one principle: Some things are within our control, and some things are not. It is only after you have faced up to this fundamental rule and learned to distinguish between what you can and can't control that inner tranquility and outer effectiveness become possible. ~ Epictetus

Epicurus had a take on desires that would still be relevant, if not even more than before, to the modern society. Having a controlled desire in this world. Limiting your want for unattainable pleasures is a way of tranquility. Note that Epicurus did not advocate for a complete detachment from desires. Instead, he classified desires in two categories, kinetic and katastematic. Kinetic pleasures, according to him, were sensory and fleeting in nature. These are the kinds of pleasure one should stay wary of. It is cathartic in nature, creating a vicious cycle of unquenchable cravings.

Katastematic, on the other hand, are enduring states of tranquility and arise from fulfillment of basic needs. These are the desires that should be attempted to be pursued on. By adhering to this philosophy, individuals could liberate themselves from the tumultuous rollercoaster of insatiable desires. Epicurus believed that a life lived in moderation and contemplation, characterized by the pursuit of genuine and lasting pleasures, would result in a state of profound contentment and inner peace. For him, the ultimate goal of philosophy was not mere intellectual speculation, but the practical enhancement of human well-being.

Death smiles at us all. All we can do to calm ourselves is smile back at it. Think of it as an old friend that has finally come to meet us after so long. Our ultimate goal after fulfilling our part in this society. Grieving over it will only make the pain worse. In the end, death is always there. "Memento Mori; remember death" is what every stoic philosopher lives by.

It was in his letter to Marcia that Seneca asked her to choose between grieving continually or laying rest to it after her son's death. We often decide to make our pain worse instead of alleviating it, which would sink us deeper into the void of sorrow. According to Seneca, it was an awful choice for Marcia to consider only the tragic ending of her son and not joy upon the entire life she has spent with him.

Seneca also pointed out the fact that hardships and adversities are essential for any person to prove his worth. A ship is safe in the harbour, but that is not what it is built for. Only a rough sea and violent storms prove that it is capable of navigating what it is meant to.

Finally, just because you have to handle grief and deal with it doesn't mean that you have to do so alone. We can, and in fact should ask for help.

Don't be ashamed of needing help. You have a duty to fulfill just like a soldier on the wall of battle. So what if you are injured and can't climb up without another soldier's help? ~ Marcus Aurelius